Recently, I went through what can only be described as a faith crisis. It felt heart breaking. It felt frustrating. It felt ironic. Ironic that I, the woman who has a whole website full of chizuk- two websites in fact- and a group dedicated to faith and inspiration, and who hopes to have been there for countless others when they had their own faith crises- was sitting here, crying into her siddur, and doubting G-d. It felt a bit like living a lie.
And yet, here I was. Then as time passed, I realised that perhaps we all had crises, and perhaps it was a part of being human, and perhaps my relationship with G-d was like any other relationship.
Healthy relationships include arguments. Disagreements, losses of faith, quarrels- call them what you like, every relationship has them, including your relationship with a Higher Power. And no matter what happens to me down on earth, this Higher Power remains the same- unchanged, and still loves me and forgives me for doubting Him (it took a very wise woman to remind me of this).
Crises end and life resumes. My life has chamged, but G-d hasn’t. What’s most important is that I’ve learned not to judge myself for these tremors. They are normal, and if it weren’t for these moments- or, let’s face it, days- when I felt G-d had abandoned me, then perhaps there would be something wrong with my faith, something unintelligent, unquestioning even.
At the end of the day, no matter what we have said and done, G-d is still there, and still loves us.