There’s a concept in Judaism known as hashgocha protis. I suppose it translates roughly as “Divine providence”, or, as one of my friends beautifully defined it “being in the right place at the right time”. Yesterday, I wrote about doubts. About my own struggles on the journey of Torah observance. About the choices I’d made, and the regrets I had. And today, when I clicked on chabad.org, I was greeted by the following quote from the Rebbe, adapted by Tzvi Freeman.
“No matter how much you distrust your own sincerity or question your motives, there is no trace of doubt that at your core lives a divine soul, pure and sincere.
You provide the actions and the deed—just do what is good.
She needs no more than a pinhole through which to break out and fill those deeds with divine power.”
I re-read the first paragraph, slightly awestruck. The words spoke to me, from a place of doubt and uncertainty. As I had presented my dilemma of religious observance and doubt, a number of friends had told me to ignore those who had abandoned me over the issue, reminding me that my actions were governed by my neshomo, even if I didn’t realise it.
And as I read the quote from the Rebbe, I realised it couldn’t have come at a better time. No matter how much doubt I felt as I kept the “difficult” mitzvos and navigated the orthodox community, my soul knew that I was doing the right thing. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.