As I was wondering what to write today, I remembered an article I had written just over five months ago. I felt a sudden desire to look at it again, remembering that it had been both heartfelt and stirring, but to be honest, I was horrified by what I read there. The article had been written at the beginning of the month of Kislev, at one of the worst times of my life. I felt estranged from family and friends, and in the wake of a momental falling-out I was left ‘out in the cold’. I had lost all enthusiasm for Judaism and my ‘Jewish thoughts’ over the following weeks were despondent enough to make accquaintances enquire about my mental state.
In short, my life had gone very badly wrong.
No area of my existence was lefet untouched by the ayin hora I seemed to have attracted. Family; relationships; work; spirituality; you name it, I had no hope in it. I no longer had the energy to either work or write, and failed to even find joy in Shabbes. My weekdays were spent midnlessly browsing the Internet and saying Tehillim, and my Shabbes mornings were spent in tears.
Then three weeks after I wrote that article, my life changed forever.
Although I post my articles on my personal social media page, I don’t want my identity to be immediately recognisable by anyone who reads this. As such, I won’t go into how my life changed, but I will say that on Yud Tes Kislev- the new year of Chassidus- I entered into a new year as a changed woman, both spiritually and physically. My day to day life has never again sank to the depths of the previous weeks and days, and I honestly hope it never does again.
It feels strange that I was reborn on the New Year. But I’m not making it up. Every word of this article is true.
Today, I began to despair. I despaired about my past, and my future. I felt that there was no way I could get through the next few weeks with this burden I was carrying. And so I stopped carrying it. I gave it to Hashem. Some burdens are too heavy to carry. But through tefillah, and even tears, they can be lightened. We can pass them to our Creator and ask Him to please help us carry the heavy load we’ve been given.
It takes trust to do such a thing.
Trust which, five months ago, I simply didn’t have. I begged Hashem to stop punishing me, without thinking He would actually listen. I had lost my faith; my love; my whole life. And yet, in the face of the miracles I was granted, I started to trust again. No matter how hard it is, I just need to trust. Hashem will do the rest.