I love orthodoxy.
I love studying Chitas every day. I love the Rebbe. I love hilchos tznius. I have no desire whatsoever to return to the days of reading secular newspapers, listening to secular music, watching films and wearing trousers, and doing all those other things which fall under the category of “chas v’sholom”.
I understand the halachos, and I don’t find them prohibitive or restrictive. I think kosher is necessary for our spiritual health, as much as a balanced diet is necessary for our physical health. I can’t see any excuse for dressing immodestly, and I can’t see why someone would choose to abandon the mitzvos. I really do love the Torah and I love the idea of Torah observance.
On the other hand, Reform Judaism really isn’t my cup of tea. I detest the idea of female rabbonim, I hate it when women sing in public- and in fact, I feel uncomfortable about orthodox musicals featuring women, never mind shuls which employ female singers. I can’t stand mixed seating, immodest clothing, chollah at kiddush- it all feels so fake, so artificial, and I could never live that way.
So why am I feeling the magnetic pull of a Reform Judaism? Is it weird that I want to keep all the mitzvos, but daven by a reform shul? Is that even it? Is it my mind realising that I’m always an outcast, and subconsciously craving this kind of pitiful pariah status? Because I don’t understand any of this.